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Sunday, September 03, 2006

It's strange

So i was left alone for 2 days, no one in the house but my cat and I. Of course, i was at a party and babysitting... but when im with other familys, i feel spoiled. Like its an amazing gift, and i feel so happy.

I really didnt ask much when my mom went out with her boyfriend... just to pick up some groceries because we were running out of stuff that i can make myself when i am home alone. (canned food)

Hell, i made 100 bucks for babysitting 10 hours for 3 kids. That's a lot. I wouldn't have minded going out and getting groceries, with my own money, so i could have something to EAT. But you know what? I depend on her because she's the only one that can LEGALLY drive. And she gets child support to FEED ME. Is that too much to ask? before babysitting, the only thing i found to eat was an apple and some bread and butter.

Im sorry.. im selfish but... i wish i could stay with Curtis's family... they feel like a real family to me, and they are so nice... SO nice

Sometimes i wish my mom would act like a mother. Or at least do some of the necessities? Buying some food and driving me places isnt too much for a parent to do. For godsake, if she has 2 FULL DAYS TO SPEND WITH HER BOYFRIEND, SHE HAS ENOUGH TIME TO BUY SOME FREAKING GROCERIES. MY GOD. she doesnt even have to WORK!! LMAO i work and earn my money, while she gets to do whatever she wants, when she wants.


Posted at 11:00 pm by puchiko2

Monday, August 28, 2006
Goodbye NA
Hahahahaha yeah its final.

Posted at 12:55 pm by puchiko2

Monday, August 21, 2006
Waaait a minute...

Now does this... look rather questionable?

And this?

*scratches head*

Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Not much of a reader

It's a strange feeling i've been having when reading... and actually, a strange feeling in general in which i will note to later in this entry.

Having finished this summer reading book finally 'The Lovely Bones' (and having read the rape scene over and over due to having put down the book many times and attempting again) it pulled so many sensitive spots that have been boring down on me in the past few years that really.. changed a lot.

I think of the night not long ago, hiding in the bathroom with a blanket and a phone, scared so fiercely that my heart banged to escape. The fear insecurity, then reality and something else. A feeling i felt the night before my dad left. When i started to grow up.

It's funny how this is the first night both my sister and my mother have been both home in ages... and yet i felt so alone as i invaded a lonely world inside this book. Every time i read, i feel like some stranger... alone. Whereas watching a movie with a friend, you know that the world is far away from you with the company. The book you read invades your thoughts and you are the only one.

I read the book and think "is every man like this?" "does every women get this neady and deep down seek divorce if their husband is away at work too long?" because i know its where the only life i know fell. How after a year, i shoved everything in a dense symbol and the next day woke up in a new life i just decided to 'get used to it'. How when the memories of cooking with my father surface again, i cry. and when that day he left, cooking by myself, i pent up again. like the child still growing left with my father.

Something about books never seem real to me. the cheesy names, the fact that every person seems to be connected to eachother and appear again over time as some 'odd coincidence', when for me... you meet someone sweet, but see the open world with more people to discover and exchange glances with at least. Maybe i could express this strange feeling as the book being one sort of 'click'? Not knowing something i know, i feel so disconnected.

The strange thoughts... a sinking depression. One that forms from an experience somewhat long ago, but takes in a quiet murder later on. I draw. I eat. I see friends. I laugh, i cry. but nothing interests me anymore. i try to draw, but it doesnt spark the same joy it used to. For this past year, i've been searching for something to fill that empty space, telling myself its working, but it just isnt. I wake up wondering when i'll die, when life will get overwith.

My last hope is finding that 'someone special' to fill that empty space of emotions, but even then im doubtful. Like a part of myself that thinks fairy tales are real. At 4 o clock this morning, the only thing i can think of is 'i need help'

I want to paint and look at it with a hidden emotion in my heart again, instead of a hollow one.

Monday, August 14, 2006
My dear sweet child...



Posted at 01:37 pm by puchiko2

Sunday, August 06, 2006
Because she can clearly take care of herself

3rd day... no sign of life besides a feline creature.. canned products look so foreign to these eyes...


i really don't give a damn if my mom FINALLY comes home when im out bikeriding. Im pissed. Im lonely. I want to live on Earth and not this house. *mope whine sulk*

I set a new record today... i slept in until 3. 3 o clock. See, i can't be trusted to live on my own XD if i do, i usually just mess with my daily life.

Wow... you don't know how pathetic i feel right now XD how amazing


Mood: crappy
Music: Sakura Kiss by Chieko Kawabe

Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Oh and stranger things still

I am a bad person... and perhaps it takes a good person to admit it XP

My mom has her new bf... he's wonderful really. But it all goes back to 'lonliness 101' where i'm the one wheeled car stuck at home. When my mother comes home, its like a giddy teen that only talks about her bf more than anything else (otherwise its about bashing my dad and his family)

Maybe im jealous. Maybe im wanting male compassion, too. But i know for a fact that i shouldn't be rotting away the rest of my summer cooped up indoors alone.

Is this the nature of women? Searching for the thing called 'love'? Because i know im obsessed with love. I love love stories, compassion, passion, seeing people fall in love. But i know for a fact that my heart jumps before my brain does. I 'think' i'm in love and make a mistake before i really know, and then run away. *throws a can of milk*

Enough durn moping. XD I have such an impatient nature... really just have to let love come when it may, then to stare at the clock and let time pass you by.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

because radka told me to, here's an entry

Looks like my house is getting sold, which means i very well may be moving by the end of September =) unfortunately... this is nearly 200, 000 less than its worth =( kind of dissapointing, because that much could've been used to actually get a condo.. oh well

Today im going to the movies with cait, sanna, radka, and hopefully Ayelet. Ayelet, we miss you! We haven't seen you in ages! XD

Im leaving for camp on Sunday, so no electronics for a whole week!! eeeek, electron level too looooooow XD I really really hope Hilary is comming : ( we need a spork Hilary!! We need you!

I want new Trigun Maximum chapter so baaad ;__; the wait is really weighing down on me >_<

ek well... hopefully my mom will get off the phone now so we can pick up Sanna and go to Cait's house so we can go to the movies!! (Cait's totally going to show off her porn XD)



Mood: Impaitent
Music: Starve Them to Death by Sean Watkins

Posted at 02:57 pm by puchiko2

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